You’re going about your day, completing your daily tasks with ease, and you do it with your eyes closed. You notice a heaviness in your chest, a tightness in your belly. You ignore it, hoping the feelings will go away. A memory of a past relationship invades the present moment. Your eyes feel teary, and your throat tightens. It’s been years since you thought about that past relationship; the feelings are raw, like it’s yesterday.
There’s a saying that grief collects grief; it’s like a rolling stone that gathers moss. Grief, when it surfaces from the past, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and painful. When grief doesn’t get the space, attention, care, and time it needs, it can gather, waiting for the right moment when there’s safety to express.
Grief has no time frame, and it doesn’t travel in a straight line; in fact, it can be timeless. That sudden invaded memory has the same intensity as when the event happened. Each of us will experience grief; it is a part of life, and we will experience it uniquely, as our bodies and nervous systems are unique to us.
Grief Doesn’t Go Away, It Waits For Safety
Sometimes a present loss acts as a catalyst to express the grief stored and held in the body. Finally, that past grief has the right moment to come up, whereas circumstances long ago couldn’t support it. Grief then gets pushed away and buried deep. Fast forward many years, and here it is as raw as it was in the past. There might be a belief running in the background undetected, such as “I’ll push through, I’m strong” and/or “We get on with life”.
The grief doesn’t go away; it gets stored in the body and the nervous system, waiting for an opportunity to self-express. A helpful reflective enquiry would be to ask yourself: What did you need at the time of the loss that you didn’t get?
The familiar smell, the unique characteristic, a favourite song, these are catalysts that respond to the loss as if it were only yesterday. Because your nervous system remembers the information and the emotional experience as if it were yesterday, your body feels the hurt of the loss. Your body floods with the old pain.
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; it means the environment or circumstances are right for you now, and you’re ready to process the feelings. The body has an inner intelligence that goes beyond the mind. When your nervous system recognises it’s safe, emotions can flow. Body sensations such as tightness in the chest or throat, heaviness or nausea in the belly, agitation and restlessness and tears are the body’s way to say ‘I’m here, notice me. It’s essential to have internal strength and resilience. This is where professional help can support you.
How Grief Taps Into Beliefs
Many of us have deep beliefs about emotions and feelings, especially grief. It might be an inner voice, a continuous replay of;
- “Why am I not over this by now?”.
- “I should be grateful other people have it worse than I do”.
- “I don’t want to feel, it’s easier if I push it away, and it will go away”.
- “I don’t want to make others feel bad if I share, so I won’t.
Beliefs form from other people’s perspectives and include what we made up in childhood. They are a way to make sense of a distressing, overwhelming situation and to cope with the pain. The beliefs we have can keep us from reaching out for connection with others. Over time, if unchallenged, it can create havoc emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Ways of Support When Grief Visits
What can support you at this time is allowing your body to experience sensations, taking a breath, and reassuring yourself that you’re safe. Create small, meaningful rituals, such as lighting a candle or setting up a small altar of remembrance.
Robert Niemeyer speaks about the 3 R’s. Retelling, Rebuilding, and Reinventing.
Retelling is giving voice to what happened. This might mean speaking about the story many times; it’s an acknowledgement of the loss of a loved one or an event that is no longer with you. What emerges are new openings.
Rebuilding is not about forgetting the person or event, but about adopting a different perspective, with or without them.
Reinventing is the acknowledgement of change. The loss changes us, and we can’t go back to who and how we were. There is a new version of you that includes both sadness and possibility. Who are you from this experience?
Grief, when shared with another, reminds us of our fragile existence as humans. Loss, when shared with another—whether a trusted friend, a group of like-minded souls, or a professional—breaks through the pain of isolation and loneliness.
When grief resurfaces or visits from the past, it’s an invitation to process what’s still raw or painful. Remember, your body and nervous system are signalling to you, ‘I’m safe to express’ what was difficult at the time. A new perspective is to see that more profound healing is available and possible with the proper support. When grief is shared, the pain of loneliness and isolation dissolves. See it as an opportunity to challenge outworn beliefs and freedom.
If you are experiencing painful memories from the past, and would like gentle support to explore them in a safe and nurturing space. I’m here to help you move with guidance, compassion and care at your own pace. Feel free to reach out for support if you need it.